They told us it was a 'self‑sustaining team building exercise'—the scanner ate my motivation and printed a receipt for my soul.
BOULDER, CO — At 09:13 a.m. on Saturday, 26 employees of Meridian Dynamics were ushered into the abandoned Self‑Scan Plaza on Main Street for a “self‑sustaining” team‑building exercise. After exactly 4 hours, 17 minutes, and 42 seconds, three coffee mugs, two security badges, and the ID badge of senior analyst Tori McClain (who now shows up in the system as OUT‑OF‑STOCK) were unaccounted for.
The exercise
The Wellness Committee advertised the day as a “hands‑on trust drill” requiring participants to navigate twelve active scanners, each pre‑loaded with 342 distinct product barcodes ranging from “Organic Kale” (SKU #K‑001) to “Synthetic Motivation” (SKU #M‑999). Every scan was accompanied by a mandatory recitation of the company mission: “We automate, we iterate, we dominate.”
“I thought we were supposed to scan groceries, not ourselves,” complained Jenna Kline, 32, junior analyst, when her scanner flashed ERR‑SELF‑SCAN for the third time and asked her to confirm her date of birth, favorite childhood cartoon, and the exact number of beans in a standard espresso shot.
Marcus Velasquez, 45, senior project manager, reported that the scavenger‑hunt portion required finding a lost coffee mug hidden in aisle 7. He found the mug in a recycling bin, but the coffee had evaporated and the mug’s label now read “Property of the Collective Unconscious.”
The machines, supplied by the now‑defunct vendor Greeley Gadgets, emitted a chime that grew, by 3 dB per hour, indistinguishable from a funeral toll. At 12:06 p.m., scanner #7 announced “Item not found: Motivation,” prompting a collective sigh.
The missing inventory
At 2:41 p.m., two security badges disappeared from the staff locker. An internal audit logged them under SKU BADGE‑001 with a price of $0.00, weight 0.0 g, and a tax code of “Existential Crisis.”
The most puzzling loss was Tori McClain’s badge, which was scanned as “Human Labor” and now appears on the inventory list as:
1 × Human Labor – $0.00 – Tax: Existential Crisis – Status: Out of Stock
When asked for comment, HR coordinator Lila Huang, 28, held a clipboard stamped “All Scans Are Final” and replied, “We’re still waiting for the receipt to print.”
Corporate response
Meridian Dynamics released a statement claiming the retreat “successfully increased employee awareness of automated processes and reinforced personal accountability.” The statement promised a follow‑up survey, which remains locked behind a password‑protected scanner that demands a 12‑digit code derived from the employee’s last performance review.
At press time, a lone scanner at the exit continued to beep every 7 seconds, awaiting a barcode that never arrives. The overhead lights flickered in a pattern that matches the Morse code for “HELP.”
Management has already booked a second retreat for Q3 at a decommissioned password‑reset kiosk, where participants will be asked to “reset their expectations.”